Doin’ It Royally – Clearly the only thing important in the news!


My Modus Operandi, my mission in life, is helping friends and family have the greatest wedding they can, venting, extricating complicated myths and cockamamie aspects of wedding magic and displaying them in blog land in a way that is easy to interpret and replicate.

I watched the royal wedding today as many did and I have decided that we all can have the royal wedding with some creativity.

Let’s start with the dress. The delicate lace sleeves of Kate Middleton’s gown were a striking addition to the sea of strapless frocks that have become common place. All you have to do is take any store-bought white cardigan fold it up “accordion style”, get a pair of sharp scissors and here comes the fun part! Snip, snip, snip and you have repeating lines of the image you’ve created. Try a pony, a heart perhaps stars, faeries or butterflies suit you better. Just make sure you make enough holes so that the cardi becomes a lace shrug. Next, buy any white sheath dress; affix a couple of bed sheets at the waist. Don’t forget to crumple and crimp for texture to draw the waist in! Shape the bottom into an oval train and voila, there you have it. If you are feeling spicy you can use the lace making technique detail above and do a third sheet in a contrasting color and make a “lace overlay for your gorge new skirtie.

The lady guests all wore silly hats which I feel is a bit camp for something held in a room with so high a ceiling. Kind of like an ugly sweater party just a bit more Alice in Wonderland. Who knew Kate and Billy had a sense of humor? See! New York mag, you called them boring! I would skip this altogether. It will be very hard to get your Aunt Mildred to wear a frivolous hat and it might impede your guests from seeing the ceremony or getting an iPhone pic of the Archbishop of Canterbury, who I hear is booked only through November, so there is hope! If you are Jewish fear not, he tweeted a moment ago that for a nominal fee he’ll swap his mitre for a yarmulke. Check out www. ArchiedeCantWeddings.com.

You may ask, what about the cake? That thing was mammoth, so expensive, right? Wrong! I am sorry but you can do better than a platform of 12 precariously situated grocery store cakes. I mean come on; they caught the workers scraping off the neon pink roses and Feliz Cumpleaños Lupita (weird that it’s Spanish). You can see it in some of the shots, look closely. Then stacking 5 on top of each other for the top is a little bizarre. I had hoped for some royal cupcakes but I guess if you don’t have servants in the know… you just don’t. Cakes are supposed to be expensive but if you figure by the current market rate of a 12” round at $42 times 17 cakes to make that monstrosity, it will cost you $714. Not bad at all. I would have thought they would have spent a bit more but, hey, they are going for this “down to earth” thing.

And finally, for the getaway vehicle. Clearly those were dollar store balloons tied to the skanky, old convertible (doable!). Everyone has got an uncle with a ratty old car, take it down the street for a wax and polish, tie some shiny celebratory inflated globes to the back and there you go. Your exit will be just as good as the royal couple’s.

See!

And there you have it. The inside secrets on how you too can have a royal wedding.

***Disclaimer***

All of the above is false. You cannot have a royal wedding or anything even close to what the two of these “normal kids” had. They have been polished and preened for this event for years. There were millions of dollars spent for the spectacle you witnessed today. For the cost of the dress, the families of the nearly 300 people killed in the recent Alabama storm would be able to slowly rebuild their lives from the rubble, of course withholding the aching suck of the wound left when a loved one dies so horrifically. For the cost of the cake some of the families foreclosing on their homes today could pay a few months of their mortgage and not be homeless. For the cost of the reception, we may have been able to save some schools and keep devoted teachers employed that care about their students and the future success of our youth.

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2 thoughts on “Doin’ It Royally – Clearly the only thing important in the news!

  1. Mark Stephens says:

    Your voice is so witty and frank. Keep it up, Jenn.

  2. Love it, Jenni. Did you find an estimate of what the royal wedding cost somewhere??? Just wondering.

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