There were concerns yes – Alex had grown very controlling and domineering as his role had blossomed into head of the household/ breadwinner/ handyman/ cleaning service… yada yada, you name it, he did it… all. I was merely working full-time and going to school in the evenings yet I behaved as though he owed me all of those things. I resented him for his attempts to keep my chaotic meanderings somewhat ordered and focused. I did not appreciate him and his efforts and he felt the need to corral me and reign me in.
Alex came by to talk things out and for the first time in years, we came together as strangers. Sitting at two ends of a room we had worked to decorate together, the tension was palpable. He glared at me and shot accusations at me, while I tearfully asked him to come home repeatedly.
He feared it happening again as I had a past of kicking him out or threaten to leave. Our first year, I must have packed my bags 10 times. I am good at getting everything I own into a suitcase in record time. I ran away 5 times in a single summer during my late teens, first time I packed to leave home was at age 5, seriously, ask my mom. Oh and yes, I wore heels that first attempt at leaving.
Back to Alex, his main concern, fueled by his mother’s fear, was that I did not want children. In many cultures at 32 it’s time to get worried about not having kids. I do not want to be controlled by my uterus or by some societal expectation placed on my reproduction. Do I want kids right now? No. When I see pictures of my little “niece” Sophie, I swoon and consider procreation. However, at this point, right this second, I barely have the time and patience to babysit my nephew Jackson, and he is a Cocker/ Maltese. I work 55-60 hours a week at a job I really enjoy and have my final semester at school writing a 50 page thesis in addition to my class load. A baby, now… I think not.
In addition to the above, have you ever seen a woman with a stroller on a subway? Or a woman with a stroller in New York period. They look like mad beasts. Most of them are so frazzled they use the cart as a battering ram and god forbid the child is crying, everyone stares at the duo or trio or however many are in the gaggle as though they have the plague and are emitting fumes of their rancid diseased waste at high volumes. No thank you. If I have children, or when I have children, it will be in a place where I have room to breathe and push my stroller at a leisurely pace. Not a place where 10 million assholes routinely stop to take pictures of a hole in the ground that once was the workplace of thousands and was reduced nearly a decade ago to rubble in an epic tragedy. A place that has the respect to let people heal and the patience to allow them to recover.
We’re very much in love.
We’re working out the specifics.
Happy weekend and wedding season to you all!
Thank you for reading.