Dear Mom & Dad,
So here’s the deal.
I know that you really are excited about Alex and I getting married.
We are so very excited too.
As you know, we have been trying really hard to make this wedding happen in a way that keeps everyone happy as we have a ton of really strong personalities swirling around our event, not to mention the headache and drama of family and friends living thousands of miles away. This is hard and to be honest… Shi* is bad.
Our wedding venue fell through last night as we were asked for 30K for food alone. Now, perhaps to some that’s the price of having a wedding and you know what, if it is, good for you. I cannot imagine spending that much on food for 100 people. That does not work for me. In a world where thousands starve and my contemporaries are camped out in a park speaking out against a corporate structure that robs the poor, spending that astronomical sum of money on a few canapés and a leg of lamb just does not add up.
So here we are 530 days from the moment Alex proposed and we have accomplished nothing. Alex refuses to elope despite my compelling arguments and tearful pleading. We are finally beginning to feel the firm ground of stability as we slowly shave away the debt we compiled in our nearly two years of unemployment. I have got school debt and he and I are still paying off my surgery.
So parentals here comes the money shot – you have both got to sell your homes and all of your belongings so that our guests can get drunk and fat at our expense. Dad – I need to you provide entertainment and Mom – it’s up to you to make all of the favors and centerpieces with your crafting brilliance. But we’ll need 30K for the food. Just the food. Only the food is covered with the 30K, just to be clear. That sounds about right, totally rational and completely doable.
We’ll be waiting patiently for the wire transfers to hit our accounts so we can piss away your hard-earned money on chow.
Have a great weekend!
Please send cash.